"as flowers do" (a letter)

I have this email in my drafts folder from (eeek) December and I wonder if I ran away from the seriousness in it and therein, did not respond... oh, the shame of it all (if I didn't)... being that you have an amazingly kind and generous heart, I feel certain that you'll forgive me (if I didn't)... and I'm writing this cuz I probably don't want to respond to it again (if I did)... (but I will)...

well, that made sense to me, anyway :)

I know you'd be good for me to write to... I'm just stubborn about doing things that are good for me lately... and lately has been going on for way too long and I'm thinking it's time for a change... my recent journal entries might even support this thought (not in my primary journal... that, foolishly, is still way behind the times, but I have three other journals now that are actually being kept semi-up-to-date... irreverently, obscurely, and of course, enigmatically... but there's got to be somebody in this world who doesn't want to own me, abuse me, manipulate me, or do anything to me but be my friend and maybe you're the one, so hello :)

what an impression we make, huh? (are we laughing?)

there's always hope :)

and I hope today is smiling more than frowning for you... just in case you don't have time or patience to actually be my friend today (we are kinda far apart, after all) and want to just be a fan from afar (I think I need an audience now too), here is where you can find me rambling rather incessantly (still without spellchecking):

(for my optimistic moments, mostly)
(for my pathetic moments, mostly)
(newest, sorta general and undefined, mostly)
(way behind, partially disconnected, but the oldest and doorway to the deepest, mostly)

and can my own personal fan group be far behind? (oh, how the ego dreams {what dream?... there were several groups created years ago just for my fans and entourage... and then I went into seclusion... oh what tangles webs we weave, even before the web went public and international and all}... I am happy to see ego waking up as I generally find him amusing, though sometimes he can be awfully pathetic... egos are secretly very insecure, you know... and he hates when I tell you that)...

meanwhile, in case you are wanting a more personal touch and have more patience than Job (personal responses can take a while... not cuz I am avoiding you, but cuz I am avoiding me sometimes)... I'd much rather be able to say it's cuz I have a busy social life and many people sincerely vying for my time because they actually care about me, but alas... there is always hope that might be true again one of these days (oh, how the heart can dream... and I am happy to see her wake up cuz I feel worse than mostly dead when she is sleeping or buried under baggage)...

most of all, I want my lost mind to start dreaming again, which is why I started the several new journals I mentioned and why I am reaching out for inspiration and literary playmates and friends... friends like you... and suddenly, this email to you {yes you} seems like another journal entry for me (cuz maybe if I'm honest about wanting to find true friends and creative playmates and I actually put my honesty out there {here, and everywhere} free to be you and me for all to see, true friends will find me?... there's always hope... more hope every day it seems)...

so thank you... for inspiring me to write this (and you hardly had to do much, huh?... well, you did write to me {or I read you somewhere} and that inspired this, so you deserve the thanks... don't worry, I'll edit this if I do turn it into a journal entry... maybe... I'll most certainly add to it a bit... maybe more than a bit... hope it's a good bit... who wrote that life is constantly in re-write until you die and then, when it probably no longer matters to you, you hope it makes a good play?... must have been the author... maybe I did... anyway, hello :)

how are you today? (or whenever you respond... time is relative in correspondence and journal entries, after all)...

candora

this is an entry in progress, so if it seems strange ��
��this is an entry in progress, return and it may change

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NOTE: Due to excessive comment SPAM, comments have been turned off... ironically, this month is the renewal for supergold membership and the comments feature... bad timing... you know how much I love feedback, so maybe there's be comments again one of these days... until then, please leave a note... thanks J