be random
what is now
when is then
where is email
who i am
how it is
why it is
leave a note?
share me, share you
make me smile
thank you

other journals
(of course I should be sleeping)
(what's life got to do with it?)

about me
(too much to know at once)
friend?
(tic tic tic, toc)

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�2015 CANDOR COMMUNICATIONS
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MONOLOG

as I want to be

if I told you here, in this public place, how much I want to be in love with someone again, you might tell me I am leaving myself too wide open, that I am making myself way too vulnerable... and I would tell you that your wise council is true and I appreciate your caring enough to share it with me and I hope you would continue sharing your caring with me... and this paragraph might say more about me between the lines than anything I've written when I am consciously trying to expose myself, introduce myself, or tell you who I am (casually sneaking a glance at links to the left)...

and that I place these thoughts here in my heart fantasy diary might cloud the picture for some and clarify for others and that may be intended or just another random stroke of the brush I use to paint myself for all to see...

the fact remains that I live in love, always open, always falling, always way more vulnerable than any words could begin to convey... this, in large part, is what keeps most people away in physical spaces and what draws some near in ethereal places like this... it is that too good to be true instinct that most of us have... I search for an analogy in my mind to convey what I mean...

I am not any sort of god, nor do I perceive myself to be any better or worse than any other living being... I state this in the hope that the analogy coming to mind will not be distorted by any presumtions...

if your god, your Jesus or Buddha or Allah or Mohammed or Krishna or Bodvista (I seldom remember the spelling, perhaps to prove I do not perceive myself as god or any sort of superior being, huh?) or any entity you consider holy and your pinnacle of achievement, your goal in life, your spiritual climax, your journey's end, or however you want to phrase the ultimate being in your mind - if that being sat down next to you right now and said hello, reach out a hand, touched your hand... or simple walked up to you and looked into your eyes and smiled... what would you do?... could you really handle believing your ethereal dream being was right there before you in flesh and blood?... and how would you handle the meeting?...

I strive to be as open, as honest, as loving, as giving, and trusting, as harmless, as positive as I can be every conscious (and I hope unconscious) moment of my existence... I am not perfect, I fail much more often than I succeed in this quest to embody and therein actualize idyllic perfect peace and love... yet in those brief moments when I relax and have time to come close to being as I want to be, I find disbelief and worse, usery or repulsion... I do not want to believe this is the human way, so I continue struggling (and at times it is a struggle) to convince my logical mind to overlook the abuses and cruelties I observe in humanity (some I have experienced first hand) and believe in the dream I feel in my heart... the feeling is more real than anything anyone can do, so I find my way back to it no matter what...

I pause a moment to reflect on the publicness of this exposure and wonder how much of this makes sense, or is even understood as a concept, in your mind...

I have introduced Planet Candora as a place of imagination... it could all be fantasy and except for the few who have come close enough to share brief moments of actualized perception, it is... I can tell you that it is as real for me in my physical being as any physical object may be for you, more perhaps... I can paugh as these words are figments of your imagination right now, without physical substance in your body or physical space... unless you make them real in you...

and we come back to how much I want that to happen... how much I want to find the one the one who is the jig-saw puzzle piece that completes this dream of sharing idyllic perfect love in the physical world we know as humanity... the one who can cast any obstacle aside, ego and self-interest and fear and doubt and knowledge and memory and anything that came before, in order to continuously strive toward the perfection of being, the state of perfect peace, the embodiment of pure love, true harmlessness, unconditional trust... the one who knows that what matters is not who gets there first, but that we all get there together...

I think I rarely remember dreams I may dream at night because this waking dream that carries me through each moment of this life is the only dream that matters... the only dream I take seriously... only dream I empower...

I trust this dream unconditionally...

ultimately we are each individual beings devoted to our self-interests... the lucky few who prioritize their desires and focus on achieving the one or few that they want most often attain them... as far as I can tell, most people do not do this and therein find themselves confused and frustrated as their focus is fragmented, their energy is dispersed among too many paths to achieve fulfillment along any one...

I have been dispersed more than once in this life... I consciously attempted to undermine my focus several times out of sheer loneliness... just to fit in... it did not work and only left me more confused and frustrated and less able to acheive anything or even be me... so I gave up on trying to fit in or please others and am on a journey that is intended to return me to the center of my dream where I can continuously strive to actualize the way I am...

if I told you all this, you might have some advantage over me... you might disbelieve my words, doubt my will to actualize, seek flaws and inconsistencies in me to use for your self-interests or merely to disparage my presense in words or in life... this has all been done, and done very well... and yet I continue... for ultimately we are each individual beings devoted to our self-interests...

this is my self-interest... to be as I want to be...

candora

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NOTE: Due to excessive comment SPAM, comments have been turned off... ironically, this month is the renewal for supergold membership and the comments feature... bad timing... you know how much I love feedback, so maybe there's be comments again one of these days... until then, please leave a note... thanks J




I love you all for coming... for reading all these words
for every click feels like more love (I know that sounds absurd)
if I could only tell you... one thing more tonight
I'd say
I wish you could come home with me and be my friends for life


ALL WORDS (C) 2015 CANDOR COMMUNICATIONS