fundaments

I will not be another brick in the wall... not if I can help it... my mission in life, accepted before I even thought of it, is to find ways through walls and ultimately, to dissolve the matter that walls are made of... whether through words or some other means, including running headlong into the dang walls at times, I strive to (to us a Zen via Matrix vernacular) 'be' the wall so I can better understand it, bend it, pass through it, dissolve it... I have been pitifully poor at this mission in recent years, but it does not mean I have given up... I have my orders... and my lumps...

I will not allow time passing, silence, or aloneness to break me down (I think these are some of my Stuart Smalley affirmations or something like that)... I will keep believing in that everything changes and anything is possible, even impossible dreams...

the more I know, the more I do not know... but I am loving the unknown for that is where the most learning happens and I love to learn... that is a key to my happiness...

we are all outlines of hopes and unfulfilled desires waiting, wanting to be filled in... the waiting can eat away at the hope and destroy the belief that the filling in will happen... an important decision influencing our individual reaction to the waiting, longing, aching time is where we set our locus of control, that is, where our energy, motivation, inspiration, stem, power of self comes from...

choosing an external locus of control (LOC) makes us very dependant on other people, things, and forces we can not control so we are completely vulnerable to the winds of chance, the whims of other people, and whatever else is out there... the benefit of an external LOC is we no longer need bear the burden of responsibility for our lot in life or for actually doing anything to change...

choosing an internal locus of control gives a relatively impermeable sense of self independent of any external forces, a security that needs nothing but our consciousness and belief in our own existence and ability to do what we can do... the drawback is a potential for egocentricity, aloofness, and the weight of the world responsibility for everything we do and the consequences of our actions...

some claim it is not a choice, that much like a belly button, whether one has an innie or an outie LOC is part of genetics or such... most who think this have outies...

I believe that living is wanting, no matter how numb one succeeds in becoming through discipline, drugs, brain damage, or whatever, no matter how repressed into the subconscious desire may be, it is as strong as each heartbeat and just as present as, like it or not, acknowledge it or not, it permeates everything we do... the sooner we learn to accept this, even with the apparently unbearable ache that comes with feeling unfulfilled desires, the sooner we can stop fooling ourselves into believing we can live without it and maybe then we'll just deal with getting whatever fulfillment we can find...

in spite of perfectionism or any other obstacle we put in our way...

a lie is only a lie told to one self... anything else is a pretense, no less a lie for the other, but still a truth for the one telling it, even if the truth is repressed into subconsciousness... but lies to self, those are the death blows to the spirit and psyche, for the energy of self comes from the trust of self... it can be re-discovered and rebuilt, but it takes time and first, facing the lies and stopping the loops, thought and behavioral, that perpetuate them...

it is good to be silent and still for a time... the lies we tell ourselves hide in the silence that is usually covered up by the business of life, by the music and movies and din of thoughts and stimuli that are sometimes creative and sometimes just confusing but almost always out there, outside, distracting from self... the mind that never rests can be fooling itself into believing it does not lie to itself... you must be quite quiet to hear the silence...

the power is ours to give, whether we want it or believe it or not... these words mean nothing, have no power, unless you choose to give them power over you... take great care in the power you bestow to words and anything outside of yourself, for nothing outside of you can know your wants and needs and sensitivities better than you can...

"life's a journey, not a destination" (Aerosmith)... "it's got to be the going, not the getting there, that's good" (Harry Chapin)... and the longer the journey, the more potential for learning and fun and everything that is life along the way...

candora

inspirations

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NOTE: Due to excessive comment SPAM, comments have been turned off... ironically, this month is the renewal for supergold membership and the comments feature... bad timing... you know how much I love feedback, so maybe there's be comments again one of these days... until then, please leave a note... thanks J