gun to my head

wonderful, wonderful... another online connection moves closer to an offline meeting... from the text to the voice, still online, but the phone line with voices...

and I got to thinking that I sit here in the dark ages of computers... with just the stuff being sold out there every day, we could be talking face to face, video conferencing, actually seeing lips move as we hear voices, actually making at least a form of eye contact and watching facial features and body language and all that stuff we get when we communicate in person in physical space... would that be the next best thing to being there?... would that be too much information to share with the world?...

there are lots of webcam sites out there... some for profit, some for porn, but some just people waving hello at people hoping somebdy might wave back... wondering why I haven't gone that route doesn't take long before I come to several viable answers... funding... image... self-esteem... probably more... after spending younger childhood and teen years in the middle classes long before the internet craze, I worked my way into a very comfortable (most would consider it luxurious) life... but it wasn't enough... I craved creativity and love, true love, romance and all the bells and whistles and sirens and fireworks and more, the madic and spiritual ascendence, the enlightenment that comes when two acualize unconditional love and trust... so then I gave it all away, too the risk, and lost it all... and for a while, until a early last year, I didn't have the funds to live in a decent car, no less in under a roof with electricity...

mistakes happen...

now I have a newish car and a nice shared apartment, but I still haven't rebuild my space... I have no writing space to show on the web... I write with an ancient laptop wherever I might find a place to sit, mostly in my big green chair... comfortable, but not a webcam set up... putting a webcam on a laptop might make for very blurry pictures, since it actually does rest on my lap and I tend to rock a lot (did I mention the big green chair is a rocker recliner?)... so there's the primary reason, not having the space and desk and desktop computer cuz the funds were not there for such toys and the desktops I did have were stolen (along with the written gardens on them, but let's not go there just now... though an old Atari ST1040 {remember those?... so far ahead of their time in graphics I'm not sure when the rest of the world caught up with them} is still in storage)...

but there's also the shyness factor... somewhere behind the rambling extrovert and pure ham is a quiet introvert... I can and have spent a lot of time with myself and enjoyed almost all of it... but visually, I haven't liked the way I've looked in recent years, so I haven't gone out of my way to record how I look... I've gotten lazy about conditioning and sloppy about grooming and that is not how I want to see myself... so why cop-out and hide that fact from myself?... poverty can only go so far in such a self-denial, you know...

well, who asked me for this in depth self-analysis (oh come on, we're still just skimming the surface... sheesh, can't I get away with anything?)... I mean, I was having such a good time just rambling on about everything and anything, how did this confrontation with my physical self happen?... must have been the eyes... if you do not hear me laughing at myself right now, then you do not know me... alas, the time may have come...

what, me worry?...

ok, so what is this self-esteem thing, anyway?... I love me, what else do I need to know?... what else do I have to do to have high self-esteem?... like me... like what I do to myself, how I live my life, and what I do to and for others... well, two out of three ain't bad... I like what I do to and for others... I like me, most of the time... I do not like what I do to myself sometimes... more often?... laziness is not high on my list of likeable attributes or behaviors and I've induldged my laziness for a long time... years, even... that seems to be changing in recent weeks, so maybe this is just a good kick in the butt from me to me to make sure it does... necessary because I decided to try to squeeze in journal updates and exercise and social life in the same afternoon and the exercise has not happened and time is almost up... boo, me...

sleeping 24 hours in the past three days did not help... I usually fo not sleep eight hours a day... I suppose I've caught up on sleep, which is healthy, but writing fell behind and here we are... the words demand release (yes, they are holding a gun to my head... from the inside, and they are threatening to blast their way out)... so what?... write less and have my head blown off?... well, I could go insane and then I'd have plenty of time to write... if they let me have a laptop in the asylum...

somehow, there are probably flaws in that last idea that keep me from following through on it... I should probably continue exploring this idea somewhere more suited for these ideas, somewhere where I can feel sorry for myself for a little while and then pull myself up by the bootstraps and find hope and clarity and motivation shining through... somewhere better suited for the morbid irreverence of the mostly dead... somewhere with a spellchecker...

but it's good we've had this little talk... I'm running out the door to meet some friends and have some fun, going to see a movie and eat dinner and then some entertainment... I'll probably edit this when I get back... and continue it elsewhere like I said... in fact, there are at least three or four different entries all jumbled into this one... that's what happens when I am rushing to pour it all out with a gun to my head... stay tuned...

I hope you have fun tonight...

candora

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NOTE: Due to excessive comment SPAM, comments have been turned off... ironically, this month is the renewal for supergold membership and the comments feature... bad timing... you know how much I love feedback, so maybe there's be comments again one of these days... until then, please leave a note... thanks J