life, death, and chocolate

few would know, looking at me, that I have been dead for years... facial expression, body language, and overall demeanor are seldom looked at closely by anyway, so few notice much of anything about anyone anyway and even some people laying lifeless on the street have not been noticed by passers-by for a while... we are not a very perceptive species...

but in my perculiarly ordinary case, I am still ambulatory and functioning independently (way too independently, if you ask me, but who asks?) in society, so my death is not as noticeable as it would be if I stopped breathing and laid still... in all actuality I am not completely dead, only mostly dead, but not quite dead as Wesley was in Mad Max's tree house... wait, something is not quite right about that reference, but then, it's close enough for this entry... miracle, huh?...

the fact is, most people are at least partially dead and from my perspective, many are more mostly dead than I am, but then my perspective is not the ultimate authority on death or even mostly deadness... and the fact is, the fact that I might be more alive than most people does not impress me, in fact, I find it quite depressing as the hope I have for life (especially human life) and sharing life is dampened considerably by this perception... for what I need most is someone mostly alive to come along and see I am not actually completely dead yet, someone who will (and can) care enough to want to find reason to reach out and tickle my fancy and inspire me to want to return to the land of the mostly living...

it's not as if I have't done it for myself a bunch of times so it's not that I want to be dependant, co-dependant, or change my locus-of-control from an innie to an outie, but I do want to share life, the universe, and everything more than anything else (overall, this sharing idea is my longest lasting most powerful desire) and it's one of those things I actually can not do alone... figures I'd create such a challenge when all around, I'm quite satisfied with most of me and I really don't believe in can't...

so I have gone as far as allowing myself to become mostly dead in the hope that somebody might notice and care enough to care (do something), cuz I figured I might be more approachable if I was like most people as I was told by some respected minds and others that I was not easily approachable when I ran around life mostly alive... still, when all is said and done, being mostly alive feels a lot better than being mostly dead so I'd really like to get back to it...

but true love is worth the sacrifice of indigestion and lethargy and of course, death, if that's what it takes... I am not looking for some giant chocolate coated pill, but the symbolism behind believing in inner miracles (like true love) is the answer I want blowing in my wind... and some gentle tickling, friendly nudging, subtle nodding, and cute winking that might not be noticed by a blind bat (or mostly dead human), but would be irresistibly unavoidable to me and the us I hope we can be would be nice...

being that I have no idea who the other half of the we us refers to, I can probably be assured that you will understand what I mean, and mostly dead people will not...

what I mean is, we are all tangled-up puppets on this bus and everyone should meet Harry at least once in their lives, whether they are mostly alive or not... in my individual experience, the one I am rambling on about in this massive and sometimes in others, though most may not be nearly as personal, if this is, I hope to find someone mostly alive (or at least someone who remembers) who will take the lead and inspire me for a change... I've been the leader in every relationship I've ever had, not by choice but cuz I was always the one more mostly alive and mostly alive people decide and move faster, therein take the lead more...

of course I could just roll over and continue not moving on the path toward being completely dead (a path we all seem to be on, whether we like it or acknowledge it or not), but that doesn't seem as much fun as other alternatives I've experienced so I shall keep an eye out for someone more alive than me who might care enough to understand and come around... you know where I live...

I am not actually finished writing this and there is more chocolate to come, but I'll pause now to continue laying mostly still...

candora

previous - - - - - - - - next - - - - - - - - comment? - - - - - - - -

NOTE: Due to excessive comment SPAM, comments have been turned off... ironically, this month is the renewal for supergold membership and the comments feature... bad timing... you know how much I love feedback, so maybe there's be comments again one of these days... until then, please leave a note... thanks J