lull, part a million and one

wow, yesterday was a rather challenging day in these written gardens... and yet, elsewhere (other places I write and such), words flowed pretty deep... ironically, yesterday was the lowest stat totals this diary has seen in weeks or months... oh wait, April 1st was... maybe it was just fooling...

April has historically been a slow month for growth in my written gardens... perhaps preparing for the explosion that sometimes comes in May... there was more consistency when I was small and Christmas trees were tall...

I used to forget all about checking stats as I never had stats on any of my other websites and fame is not exactly what I seek in this life, but it's some sort of thrill to see large numbers... did I really get more than 100 page hits some days?... more than 200?... whatever happened on that day i got more than 400?... those must be days I am checking my own stuff, but then, I couldn't be the other 24 unique hosts, right?... I probably should have kept track, since the stats only go back to early February, but since then far 25 is the high for unique hosts... 433 the high for page hits... that's probably pretty low compared to some of the popular diaries, but that's pretty good for me since I don't know anyone here personally and have just started communicating with a half dozen or so here at D-Land...

but shall I consider the numbers any sort of measure of the value of my writings or even related to my self-worth (would it be sad if I do?)... ultimately, I have no dependency on stats or anything online, but it does hurt when words are lost and it does feel very good when I read comments and emails related to something I wrote... somehow, I don't want it to hurt too much or to feel too good, cuz that might mean I don't have enough going on in the rest of my life (the physical world part, ya know?)... but then, except in my professional life, I don't put limits on my emotions...

still, yes, I am going through a lull... am I wrong to take you with me?... should I stop writing publicly for a few days or however long it takes for the lull to pass?... is writing contributing to the lull?... it's not like it's the first lull I've ever experienced... heck, it's more like the millionth...

life is a roller coaster, after all... emotionally, physically, every-which-way (even loose), it's a series of hills and valleys (or maybe dales?), mountains and gorges, highs and lows... low energy does not always mean low inspiration or depression... but low energy and low inspiration (which is what makes a lull wirth calling a lull), can easily be depressing... I don't want to help depress anyone, especially not you, dear readers... or me, for that matter...

I used to have, once upon a time, a person (or even people) I could depend on to sense my lulls and come over without needing to be asked and bounce around me with toon-like energy (or just love me with genuine passion, or even turn libido on if they could... that's rare) and that often kick started the cycle back out of the lull... but these days the few people I know in the physical world around here have less energy than I do when I am in a lull, so there's no external stimulation that I do not seek and initiate myself... no wonder I am lonely these days, huh?...

times like these I start wondering if it is time to change locales... but then, there is no motivation to travel on my own these days... and I don't have the luxury of enough savings not needing to work full time, so thinking about the life I used to live, just picking up and being wherever I wanted to be, could be depressing during one of these lulls... and then there are those car payments and storage payments and so on...

money sucks when it needs to be thought about... even though this lull has been a couple of weeks in coming (since the exercise paused), maybe this lull is intensifying today because tomorrow is supposed to be the birthday for this body and I doubt anybody who might know around here will remember... but that just fits in well with the lull, as the loss of words did, it's not the cause... the last celebration of birth I had that I didn't do for myself was a surprise Sweet 16 party (yeah, complete with all the girly stuff Sweet 16s are supposed to be made of) my girlfriend and her best friend threw for me back when this body was, well, 16... I think I may have been too dang popular when I was 16 cuz it's made the rest of this life seem almost dull in comparison... it was fun to be loved that much and known that well and even in this lull, that memory almost hurts my face with the smile it inspires...

I know I bring these lulls on myself by chosing to get lathargic (it's been a couple of weeks since the last run or workout) and repetitive, and maybe that influences the fingers that slip and erase words and the energy field around me that allows (or even attracts) negative energy and events...

I could pick up my room... I mean, I am reaching the point where I am stubbing my toe on the stuff I have to step over just to get from bed to bath to door and so on... I could cut back on the eating out and other spending for a while (or just start doing more overtime again) and just buy the new computer which would probably eliminate many errors and definitely speed up every process... I could get back to running daily and I could get back to exploring meet-ups and I could just go out alone to different places with the hope of meeting people who might inspire me... I could put on music more often and hear it and feel it and let it inspire me... I could get depressed with Aimee Mann's Lost In Space...

how ironic...

I mean the cartoon (in the booklet that comes with the CD... it's nice to have a library that still has the stuff inside CDs)... you'll just have to be there, or here, to get it I guess... I shall put on music... we shall see what Aimee, Alanis (Morissette), and Natalie (Imbruglia) will do for me today... I'll be back if anything exciting happens... meanwhile, I hope you are enjoying yourself, even if you are not enjoying this lull... but in case you are enjoying this lull, it would be a nice gift if you let me know...

candora

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NOTE: Due to excessive comment SPAM, comments have been turned off... ironically, this month is the renewal for supergold membership and the comments feature... bad timing... you know how much I love feedback, so maybe there's be comments again one of these days... until then, please leave a note... thanks J