be random
what is now
when is then
where is email
who i am
how it is
why it is
leave a note?
share me, share you
make me smile
thank you

other journals
(of course I should be sleeping)
(what's life got to do with it?)

about me
(too much to know at once)
friend?
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RINGS 'n THINGS

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�2015 CANDOR COMMUNICATIONS
IF YOU WANT TO USE THE WORDS
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MONOLOG

this may come as a shock to me

and doesn't the title just beg for a but...

lately I've felt some sincere inquiries into the real who might be typing these words... well, the person attached to the fingers tapping at the behind the keyboard points here as the best place to start if you have all the time in the world, love words and puzzles, and want to take a leap of faith that there will be someone who cares about you waiting somewhere along the journey... hey, a romantic can dream, right?... for the rest of you who either do not have the time (which would probably be most, including me), or for whatever reason want a shortcut (are we all victims of the 30-second commercial?... I mean, no matter what we might want in our hearts we humans do seem to be rather comfortable with instant gratifications, snap judgments, and superficial data, even in our relationships... oh I sure do hope that is not true, but then, what do we really want to know about each other first and so often, last?)...

online, all the more... I've explored newsgroups (before google gobbled and garbled them), chatrooms (there once was a room called TheAsylumTM at Yahoo... anonanonanon was treated very well there... I wish I could still pop out of some of those pockets I snuck into... what a phenomenon, to absolutely adore people you've met only through words, huh?), email groups (see here for some, though many get lost in SPAM on my other computer), messaging programs (at the moment none of my computers have the RAM to handle any of the popular programs, but I have several ICQ numbers and a couple of AIM names and once tried all of the programs at least once), and other ways of communicating online... in mid-2002 I found DLand and candora was born (I had opened journal at LiveJournal back in early 2001, but forgot about it for almost two years)...

being a rather multiple personality (undiagnosed, but being in the field I can fool most doctors and laugh with the others... self-mockery is the savingest of saving graces), I found myself admiring other diaries and journals and blogs and and how people use them... but I am way ahead of myself (as usual)... so let's slide back a few more years to where I was when I first came online...

in the 90's I was spoiled for a while... house, money, no need to work... this attracted people who wanted money and being a generous fool, a few took everything I had and then some... love came along, or so I thought, and I unconditionally trusted my way into destitution... living on the streets is not as romantic as I thought it might be, thought being I ended up there for love, I stared up at the stars and wondered which one held my wish... gradually, hope dissolved into despair as betrayal after betrayal tried to get my heart to believe in hell...

some of these highs and lows are what makes up much of my personal site and original journal, which is way outdated (and may have many broken links), but still leads to some of the most real experiences I've lived through...

flash back, or sideways a bit for more information...

childinside was is my oldest online name... child has not come out to play much in a long long time... childinside is the name I gave, upon setting out with the task of creating me online, that part of me that is the me I always was and always want to me... honest, innocent, curious, open to everything and and free of fears...

but a child online (or anywhere) may be way too vulnerable without some help... and child, my inner child was not trusting me much as the nineties ended with me on the street proving I was not nearly so good at taking care of myself as I was at giving everything away to others... how shall I put it... I believed that if I gave everything to others, especially those who vowed to share everything and always be there for me, that they would actually share everything and always be there for me... I may have been wrong about that, but I still don't want to believe it...

shhh, leave me my illusions...

for the blessing I learned is they could not take the dreams...

so anyway, back to my development online... I stumbled into TheAsylumTM at Yahoo and while childinside for some comfort, I wanted to play but did not want to cry just yet (and cild needed a good cry), so anonanonanon became child's best friend, protector, confident, hero, and favorite playmate online... the fact that anon is a 4 year old toon (cartoon character) with no gender made for the perfect online persona for a child who wanted to play but would cry if anything got too close or too real... anon has been mostly silent for a few years except for backstage influencing some of my journals... anon is the ultimate babbler...

so is there a point to all this?... we will have to wait and see... note the title again, smile knowingly, and continue...

yes, ok, so anonanonanon suddenly appeared in a chat room called TheAsylumTM back last millenium and helped me through the worst of some rather depressing years by keeping child alive inside and amusing me and others enough to get me all sorts of positive feedback from strangers all over the world... a few held my hand at the darkest moments... bless them and hope we can meet again someday... oh, to have the means to travel again...

right, so anonanonanon was/is one of the primary ways I continue finding the child inside (and me) and the hope that there is always hope and the dream that will not die and the faith in myself to rise above anything that might seem to seem to or try to hold me down and the optimism by which I define myself and virtually everything and the innocence that I strive to be and the positive energy of the eternal infinity thing I once though I understood, or at least wrote about...

and then I drifted offline (again for love, the same love, I have known love only twice to the point where I'd die for it... the first time, NYC, involved a few people, the second time, Toronto, involved six... and always the children lose the most) and unbelievably, even deeper betrayals led me back to the streets and below...

when I returned online, I was lonely and bottoming out... feeling too foolish to return to the family I knew at the chat rooms, and knowing my way of dealing with hopelessness is by trying to help others, I found support newsgroups and newsbee was hatched (and webbot, the pretend political analyst, was voted into office by the peanut gallery... an aside: the peanut gallery, in case I haven't introduced them, are the voices of reason and stupidity and all sorts of ridiculous possibilities lurking in the corners of my mind... internal hecklers and fools, the lot... usually they produce amusing thoughts, in spite of themselves... and almost always they assist in digression, most especially in parentheses)...

where were we?...

newsbee... do a search on google newsgroups and you may find some posts, but I have no idea how far back google goes so you may not... remember dejanews?... I was in newsgroups before them... so anyway, newsbee has been about as silent for about as long as anon and is another toon-like persona I presented to the internet mostly via newsgroups and email groups and web pages (webbot was the political one, not running for office, but an attempt, however relatively brief, at seriousness going public)...

why toons, you might ask...

well, cuz anything is possible in cartoons, didn'tcha know?...

back to whatever we are doing here... for better or worse, newsbee is the current keeper of letters to strangers, my collection of letters mostly written to groups of strangers and some individual strangers for various reasons, but usually containing some sort of introduction to me and often introducing me as who I am (or want to be) as opposed to a character persona that represents only a specific aspect of my personality... I think... pardon my giggles...

and now, back to life (reality?... what a concept)... it was just after I left Buffalo (that's the freezer of NY where I was dumped by Toronto) that we come upon the final submergence into wherever it was I submerged into (and took the black hole seriously... or gave up, depending on perspective)... self-pity, depression, pretense, whatever... it might be documented in part (that which remained on the web after Disney consumed my original site) in the original journal at today (which was once today) but finding the beginning might be easier done at the beginning, which is the link to the journal I provided before... I think...

once there was a way to get back home, but for better or worse, the powers on the net erased it... and I have not cared anought to try to rebuild it, for whatever it was worth... for all I know maybe this is the best way in to the past after all... if you want to know the past, that is... the long ago past, that is, the child with the crayon scribbling profound messages on walls, has been mostly lost (would you believe thrown in the trash by the parental units?... now that's a horrible memory we'll leave alone for now).... some scraps have been salvaged here which leads to more of the me childinside wants to be...

back to the writing on the web timeline, those journals expanded into heartbeats (dreams of the heart) and lifetimes (kind of weekly catch ups that stopped a few years ago) and music (when for one brief shining moment I almost returned in late 2000) and more and the current incarnation of the journals is listed here where some of those mentioned above and the newest public journals are linked (and that is the link on some of the DLand diaries... glances left and up)...

there is a lot more to my web world as you may have noticed... a semi-chronological listing can be found by following the what's new links (way behind now)... and the most comprehensive site map can be found at the crossroads...

but I was going to introduce candora, wasn't I? (was this smirk planned?... not at all, and yet, I'll never tell you otherwise if you think it was... maybe)...

ok, so here we are... with candora was hope reborn... my heart comes here to breathe... and child is here pouring my heart out with some faint hope that someone will fall in love with the words and the me behind them and make everything real and alright alright again like it once was before I loved and lost and was buried alive by trust... it is creative fantasy on the surface and that's protection, but how deep it goes who knows... me?... maybe...

most seriously I await someone to give me real physical world feedback and reflection for it is not for me to judge alone... for I can only see me from my perspective... it takes one to think, it takes two to know...

but candora was just the beginning of my latest online writings and for more, you'll just have to look behind door number two...

and now, to the few people who actually inspired (revealing?) this entry... your interest is warm and fuzzy, flattering and inspiring... I am rather lonely in my emotional life offline and therefore foolishly vulnerable (and hopefully cautious, but not too much so)... I've been burned badly by this love dream I chase (and hang on to for dear life) and am not actively searching for a social life (partly cuz I so desperately want one)... I have had rather disastrous results with long distance relationships and want to stay away from those as much as possible, which is one reason I may appear obscure at times... I will do my best not to invest much physical world romantic fantasy in words unless the person inspiring that is clear and presently touching me in the physical world, often...

on the other hand, I have and will adore anyone who inspires ethereal literary fantasy (and can handle it without becoming a stalker, know what I mean?)... and it is this ethereal fantasy that candora brings to you most of the time... sometimes some of the words I read out there inspire the dreams of love... sometimes it's a vision of film or words in a book... sometimes it just might be you...

hopefully the glimpses of (and deeper links to) some of the actual history of the writer of candora does not detract too much from the fantasy of candora... who is candora?... I wish I was candora... I hope to find someone who will help me be candora... online, offline, and all the way to and past the end of the line... and that, my friends, is the bottom line...

because candora said so (self-mocking to the end, but nonetheless serious... no wonder my friends think I am delirious... and what you will find coming closer to me is the truth is as real as you want it to be)...

if you read this all the way through, I love you... if you spent time exploring most of the links, I adore you... if you read every page you can find and still want to know more, I want to have your children... or vice versa...

more?

candora

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NOTE: Due to excessive comment SPAM, comments have been turned off... ironically, this month is the renewal for supergold membership and the comments feature... bad timing... you know how much I love feedback, so maybe there's be comments again one of these days... until then, please leave a note... thanks J




I love you all for coming... for reading all these words
for every click feels like more love (I know that sounds absurd)
if I could only tell you... one thing more tonight
I'd say
I wish you could come home with me and be my friends for life


ALL WORDS (C) 2015 CANDOR COMMUNICATIONS