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comments for anyone who cares I know I am still alive as long as I am falling in love (at least creatively), even if it is all in my mind... so I must thank Natalie Umbruglia for the wake up call and I thank other artists and diarists and writers for the inspirations that keep me feeling and falling and believing I am still alive... after all... the moth doesn't care if the flame is real ~ Aimee Mann so in my quest to satisfy you, dear reader, today I'll cheat a little (and when I tease you about your demands for more words, please remember I crave your attention and treasure your queries when I am gone and only call them unreasonable demands in jest and probably to deflect the compliments... oh yeah, there I go, now I'm telling secrets again... time to get back to cheating)... this is what I wrote to Nebulous today in response to her last several entries... I appear to have been away from reading since the 3rd and you've inspired thought and words... ready?... ok, or not, here goes (with the hopeful smile that feeling comfortable with someone always inspires, I hope smiles are inspired at your end too and... well... thank you for letting me feel comfortable with you... I wonder if I am writing a journal entry of my own here)... apparently, I did... for here we are... and hopefully these comments to Neb's last few entries will inspire you to read her because she's a whole lot better writer than I'll ever be (oh hush up any modesty, you know it's true)... this is what I do with some of the time I spend online in this life (besides looking for hidden links with winks and nudges and giggles and those all important knowing smiles in pajamas)... about grey day thoughts and questions... this is what happens to me, maybe it'll make some sense to you... missing a few days, I feel like I lost time, especially when there is someone with whom I want to share much more, even every moment... but then, I must remember to remind myself not fall in love with the idea of sharing with anyone every day unless they too fall in love with the idea of doing the same with me... and always be prepared for change... balance is essential to peaceful co-existence... and to good weather inside... when finding someone who too easily can topple the balance within, someone who seems to be able to control my internal weather, that is when the roller coaster can get too exciting for words and heavy air fills lungs and thick blood presses through the heart and the weather changes from euphoric to low hanging clouds in instants between the bliss of sharing with that one and longing for more sharing with that one... about chasing clouds... and when I find myself wishing I knew you (or anyone) much better in the physical world as friend and family (or when I find myself falling in love with someone through words), I must remember that anything is possible, but for now it is a fantasy that holds the double edge of the thoughts above... and when I find myself wishing I was "him", I must realize that I am way too lonely for my own good and I should get out of the house more (and hopefully can continue laughing at myself, even as the loneliness sometimes cuts through me with a passion that would leave me speechless and depressed if I wasn't so... so... so irrepressibly vulnerable to my hopeful fantasies... it is a loop I hope I never fall out of and can not, for me, be repeated too much)... for true love can be repeated endlessly and always seems new and always feels like it's the first time as if reading a favorite poem, even though your know the words are going to rhyme they never fail to surprise and delight you every time and then come the lost boys... the children... besides being one myself, I used to experience the amazing unconditional trust of infants and young children... when a baby would not stop crying, he or she was handed to me and was soon quietly falling alseep if sleep was needed... I treasured the presense I would present as it proved that my heart was pure and my intentions to do no harm and my desire to nurture truly was being actualized in the physical world... it has been a long time since I held anyone other than brief hugs from the teens at work where I am told to not allow that for the girls too often misinterpret physical affection for sexual attraction and that's a fast way to be fired... I wonder how any child or anyone is supposed to heal completely without a hug, but I follow the rules by not initiating the hugs and keeping them brief through distraction to professional conversation when they come... there are so many rules restricting the nurturing so desperately needed that it is no wonder that healing is the exception to the rule... but venting about work is not what I came here to do... I came here to reflect on what the last few entries inspired in my mind... and once again I wish I knew you from before the time you were born all the more... Neverland is wherever you find it and if you are lucky and wise, wherever you create it... I sense you have that power... I sometimes struggle to hold on to mine... and about cloning... selfishly, I would wish for cloning to be possible just so I could have one of you all for myself (but then, that is selfish and egocentric as well, but then, I did follow you into this world you created as you asked took the license of creating a bit of it for myself and I kinda think you would be one who could understand such creative play)... to your premise, I suggest that it is the use of the clone, not the cloning itself, that holds potential for disaster... should the clone be depended upon (or an excuse for not) making decisions, that would be unhealthy... but any co-dependent relationship is irresponsible and a cop-out on the life we could live... should the clone be an equal partner living a life free of tethers and without any co-dependency, then it could be a very healthy and wonderful addition to this world for there to be two or more Nebby people (it would certainly help me in my quest to find someone like you :) and then the girl, the chai, the napkins... and the waiter I wish I was, but that's besides the point (hoping you grin with me)... are you not creating the metaphor for your public diary, for all personal websites?... and could the disaster be too many people fall in love with you because you are just too dang beautiful for humanity to bear without falling in love? (wait, stop laughing, that was serious)... answer the first question, why you leave it on the table, for yourself... your secrets... but they are not all the secrets, are they?... sometimes I feel like they are, but that may be my wishful thinking... obviously the loneliness I've felt for a few days is influencing my perspective and this response to the entries I've missed during my lull away from the computer the past few days... but at least, maybe, the lull is passing... thank you, the girl, and her napkins for that... what's chai? (I mean, besides life in some ancient language)... now I must give credit to the three CDs I chose to put in the changer today too... Aimee Mann, Lost In Space... Alanis Morissette, Under Rug Swept... and Natalie Imbruglia, White Lilies Island... but it was your last several entries that I respond to here that hold my attention now... separate comments for each, too much for the notes and yet, somehow, I'd have liked to share this with the rest of your readers... and finally, for today (and close encounters in general)... some will tell you that you wonder about things too much and you are wise not to ask too many of the personal questions that enter your mind... too much honesty scares most people... that makes me sad, but it is a fact I've come to accept... and yet, I say... do not let the limits of others deter you in your quest for truth and meaning in this life... I'll listen and respond... and I am sure others will too... somehow I sense that you are learning or already have an instinct for tact, that is, sensing when someone is ready for your question and when someone is not... the fine line is a the precarious balance that we call human relations... may you not fall off the wire too often (serious grin)... meanwhile, my resistence to reading what schools call classic literature continues to diminish with you... thank you for being a good influence on my brain... I think... I wish you love with your chosen dreams... thank you for being there Neb... and thank you, dear readers, for as so many pass through our lives in so many different ways, sprinkling bits of inspirational floxum and jetsom into our creative streams, it is for those of you keeping in touch and inspiring me to find inspiration to continue sharing that I am here...
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I love you all for coming... for reading all these words for every click feels like more love (I know that sounds absurd) if I could only tell you... one thing more tonight I'd say I wish you could come home with me and be my friends for life |