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when is then
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MONOLOG

there must be some way out of here...

but can there be too much illusion?... I suppose, there is a wonderful creek behind Mill Rd (just around Burnhamthorpe) that I used to walk a lot with Happy Dog... I lived the illusion that I was permanently part of a family, finally, and I believed the other members of said family shared the illusion because it sure felt real... I remember how the creek would become a deadly raging torrent after rains as the waters rushed down from the mountains toward the great lake, but a few days later, without rain, the creek would be shallow and tame enough to walk across and play in... it was such a peaceful place, that path in the woods next to that creek... and it was such an amazing time, to share such unconditional love...

in stark contrast to the extra-terrestrial stillness of winter, the woods were so full of life in the Spring and Summer... there were children and I was daddy and we'd picnic in the parks and walk along the creek and play ball with each other and with Happy Dog... they learned how to swim, how to safely cross the street, started school, got involved in after school activities... we built snow people and slide down hills on round plastic discs and stepped around the goose poop after the snows thawed and we'd watch the huge flocks fill the sky and the parks again... we'd carefully watch the family of red foxes and the families of other smaller animals that would try to coexist with the hungry foxes along that small stretch of creek... and every day the youngest, who only had half a day of school, would collect wild flowers for mom...

but that illusion is gone now... there are no connections with the people who share it, they moved and disappeared well... what was unconditional sharing for most of us was just usery for one and that one played the illusion out so well (and I wanted to believe in it so much), that I still believe the end of the sharing was unintentional and it is guilt and shame that keeps us apart today... for no matter how real my forgiveness becomes in my mind, another can not accept it until they forgive themselves... taking all I had and leaving me out in the cold with nothing (and I mean with nothing and nothing left to do but die or take hand outs) is forgivable in my mind... but that is my illusion and it is not shared, so the realness of the illusion shared on those walks next to the creek is shattered... and all that is left is the memory of it...

was it too much illusion?... perhaps... or perhaps it was not enough belief in the illusion to keep it real...

candora

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NOTE: Due to excessive comment SPAM, comments have been turned off... ironically, this month is the renewal for supergold membership and the comments feature... bad timing... you know how much I love feedback, so maybe there's be comments again one of these days... until then, please leave a note... thanks J




I love you all for coming... for reading all these words
for every click feels like more love (I know that sounds absurd)
if I could only tell you... one thing more tonight
I'd say
I wish you could come home with me and be my friends for life


ALL WORDS (C) 2015 CANDOR COMMUNICATIONS