be random
what is now
when is then
where is email
who i am
how it is
why it is
leave a note?
share me, share you
make me smile
thank you

other journals
(of course I should be sleeping)
(what's life got to do with it?)

about me
(too much to know at once)
friend?
(tic tic tic, toc)

BE MY GUEST (BOOK)

<< MISSING �SOMETHING? >>
the bottom line
who can
when i had the time
the first of december (has another song)
what i do





RINGS 'n THINGS

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�2015 CANDOR COMMUNICATIONS
IF YOU WANT TO USE THE WORDS
FOR ANY REASON
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MONOLOG

another touch of the real...

it appears that they are having technical difficulties over at the tagboard service and I am one of the unlucky customers who happen to be lost in the server error (or what they report is a misplaced hard drive)... but there is a surprisingly wonderful benefit to having the tagboard down and that is, after paying the big bucks for the DLand Supergold services for years, I actually received comments (I feel like there oughta be an exclamation point after this line)...

thank you is just not enough... for the feeling that comes from knowing that the words from my heart touched someone else, that someone actually understands something close to what is going on inside of me, it is magical, that feeling is what makes everything in this life worthwhile...

I've been through a lot in this life... amazing pleasurable experiences filled with love and passion and comfort and luxury... and horrible nightmares lost deep in the eyes of someone living on the street for years... all in all, I've got a lot to smile about (even if I am not always sure just what I did with it all sometimes)...

here, in this diary, my heart sings and bleeds, dances and sighs, hopes and dreams and cries (though much of the crying is directed to the land of the mostly dead)... what inspired this entry is the fact that I received a couple of comments (thank you... the best thing about it is that the comments were about mostly confessional introspective rhymes and rambling, closer to personal, another touch of the real...

sometimes my response to a comment reflects as much, if not more about me than any entry I might write on my own... thatis the beauty and wonder of this sort of public writing... this is what happened after this entry (and the preceeding five or six entries and those linked to them, cuz all in all this all flows together):

"I don't know what to say, I am speechless...... tears fall from my eyes, my heart hurts and yet it holds joy for you.... letting go, that's all. You never failed babe because you loved, you only fail if you don't love. letting go that's all this is for me....... letting go to pick myself up, dust myself off, and love once again........... "

and then I felt:

yay! (I think? :)

It is a process for me too, a long term process, for I believe love is forever and it sure feels that way inside me as I feel it, so time, as brief as it may seem in this life when viewed in the scope of eternity, may seem quite long between attempts to actualize love in this life... but even a decade of mourning and processing and healing is a rush job for me... that might not make sense to many, but it is the way I am.

As for failure, the failure was in maintaining the permanent connection and while it was not my choice to disconnect (and in truth, I never did), it takes two to create or dissolve a relationship so I accept my part in the failure of the physical connection, even if it is just an extended pause, but you say the most important truth when you point out that in the big picture, any love shared is success and that is why, no matter how deep my despair or how pitiful I let myself get at times, my core remains in touch with the ecstasy (and confidence, joy, security, peace, stability, and overall self-contained happiness) that I define as me because it comes from this knowledge, that I did love, I do love, and I will always love because that is who I am, what I do, and why I am here.

Being reminded, even more, being recognized for who I am and whatever good I may have done in this life is the extra icing on the cake, the best reason of all to stay alive and keep reaching out and sharing.

The bottom line is doing it, continuing to do it, loving, that is. Rejection, misunderstanding, even abuse or cruelty can not stop true love when we remember to be true to it. The love inside is where I live, nothing can change it, nothing can stop it, for it is everything that matters.

Remembering this is all it takes to survive anything.

candora

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NOTE: Due to excessive comment SPAM, comments have been turned off... ironically, this month is the renewal for supergold membership and the comments feature... bad timing... you know how much I love feedback, so maybe there's be comments again one of these days... until then, please leave a note... thanks J




I love you all for coming... for reading all these words
for every click feels like more love (I know that sounds absurd)
if I could only tell you... one thing more tonight
I'd say
I wish you could come home with me and be my friends for life


ALL WORDS (C) 2015 CANDOR COMMUNICATIONS