and when I'm gone

you know there was a time when I came here to talk to you a lot more than I do now... to introduce me... there was more hope and less distraction back then... but I realized that I had a lot of whining to do and did not want this place to become sad for me (or you), so I created other places to write for the whining and the boring daily monotony I loosely call life... I'd like the think I kept the hope alive here, that I stayed positive and true to the idea of building a place, maybe an imaginary planet or dream of believing in you and you have to want to believe as in the beginning...

and then I think, but how many times can I retell the same story or re-state the same dream... especially when there is no change, no progess, no punch line... for it may seem to be (and may be) not just a dichotomy, but an incongruity to be one who so believes in love, who lives to fall in love, to be alone...it is an odd experience for me to be in this life alone, without a partner to love and with whom to share all the moments of day and night... though in some ways we all are always alone and I as much as any am aware of this, the illusion of sharing is the primary reason I am alive in this life... to create that illusion beyond these words requires another person in the physical world... so alone, I am not accomplishing what I am alive to do...

so I do other things, like write words and read words... and music, though I am farther from music as I have ever been, music is still the language within and the singer, thought mostly silent, still yearns to be heard if only by my ears... it is actually the act of singing, not the experience of being heard, that draws me the most... but to sing to one other who hears, this is love too...

so without the dreams (and the rhymes), I am just a loop that comes back to loneliness again and again these days... and until someone appears in the physical world to share life as I can and want to share, the loop will continue... boring, depressing even... doubts are like that... so I have been elsewhere... links to the whining and monotony are on the left...

here I will come when I feel the optimism, the hope, the belief in love...

candora

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NOTE: Due to excessive comment SPAM, comments have been turned off... ironically, this month is the renewal for supergold membership and the comments feature... bad timing... you know how much I love feedback, so maybe there's be comments again one of these days... until then, please leave a note... thanks J