be random
what is now
when is then
where is email
who i am
how it is
why it is
leave a note?
share me, share you
make me smile
thank you

other journals
(of course I should be sleeping)
(what's life got to do with it?)

about me
(too much to know at once)
(tic tic tic, toc)


the bottom line
who can
when i had the time
the first of december (has another song)
what i do


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temporary place holder




which life is this, anyway?

sometimes I remember sadness
sometimes I remember joy
sometimes I remember madness
sometimes I remember I am still a little boy...

I can spend time with people and not develop deep personal feelings for them, I think... if I don't get to know them... if they manipulate or abuse me, perhaps... but when I choose to care and get to know someone, I open a room in my heart for them that is their space and only their space... and time does not effect that space... it is always there... and if you are one I have cared for, your room in my heart is waiting to welcome you again...

and then I hear the voices of reason and concern and others offering advice, council, and judgment... some have told me this is a weakness... some call it devotion, some call it obsession, some just laugh and appear to not take caring very seriously... whatever it is, what others think only matters to me if they are part of my heart... it hurts when someone I care for tells me to stop caring, either through words or by disappearing into the distance and time of moving on through life without leaving a forwarding address... I can leave, if I must, but I can not stop caring... that is the way my heart works...

I thought that was the way every human heart works... maybe I am wrong... in any case, it is the way I am... my heart has many rooms filled with memories and hopes and longing to share more, rooms full of caring for people who no longer hear me say I love you because their whereabouts are unknown... the daily life fills the mind, days pass into weeks into months into years... it becomes easier to distract the heart and maybe that's what happens to everyone... maybe it's just easier to forget caring than to stop caring... but I don't want to forget... so I remember, at least once a year, to remember...

if time was a place we could travel through
I would find a way to return to you
just to let you know that I still care
and you are always welcome here

we've moved on to build lives we can compare
and find out what we still have left to share
for whatever life is I know this is true
I never wanted to lose touch with you

awwww, the sweet sappy kid, huh?... well, if you've gotten near my core you know the truth... vulnerability is weakness to some, but strength to others... and maybe it's nothing to you, but then, we each make our own choice...

what's in your heart?

meanwhile, in another life... I married the first person I ever loved and we lived happily ever after with lots of kids and comfort and security and love that only fairy tales dream of... I don't talk about the family because that is the private world, the secret that no one can touch unless we, as a family, welcome you in and before that can happen, our eyes have to meet and our smiles inspired... it is only because this is a day for remembering that this life is even mentioned here...

love is all around us
eyes and arms and hearts
precious secrets found us
that is how it starts
bonds beyond eternal
creating life anew
living breathing family
the best we can do
is this life with you

and meanwhile, behind the curtain, what only a few of you know is that I am not on stage all the time but when I am, few in this world have not seen or heard something I have done (my protectors are shuddering and will probably try to hack into this page to remove it, but then, they do like their jobs)... and as this is as close to the edge of exposure as I've been in all the babblings on the web, maybe I oughta back off a bit before I blow the whole gig for ric (thanks kid, you'll get yours)...

you can't always get what you want
but you can hope to guess my name
the best of me may have died with my mates
but I survive to challenge the fates
with the love we save
with the love we gave
the love we made
we made

shhhhh, we don't have to remember everything and certainly the truth is all or nothing for you to find... there was the life in which I found and then lost everything at the hands of one I trusted with everything... and the angry child who never knew the love of family... and the silver spoon kid who got everything too easily and threw it all away... but then, maybe that's all of us... maybe we all go to sleep every night wishing for the dream that we get and then wake up every morning asking ourselves, which life is this anyway?...


who was that masked man?

right on girl girl2<

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NOTE: Due to excessive comment SPAM, comments have been turned off... ironically, this month is the renewal for supergold membership and the comments feature... bad timing... you know how much I love feedback, so maybe there's be comments again one of these days... until then, please leave a note... thanks J

I love you all for coming... for reading all these words
for every click feels like more love (I know that sounds absurd)
if I could only tell you... one thing more tonight
I'd say
I wish you could come home with me and be my friends for life