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be random what is now when is then where is email who i am how it is why it is leave a note? share me, share you make me smile thank you other journals (of course I should be sleeping) (what's life got to do with it?) about me (too much to know at once) friend? (tic tic tic, toc) BE MY GUEST (BOOK) << MISSING �SOMETHING? >> the bottom line who can when i had the time the first of december (has another song) what i do < ? me # > < ? harrychapin # > < ? Random Acts of Journaling # > < ? Poetic Voices # > < ? The Write Club # > < ? Nights Awake # > < ? Fluid # > < ? Adopted # > < ? Childlike # > < ? Poets-Muse # > < ? Five Hundred # > < ? As You Wish # > temporary place holder ()))CRAYON-BOX)))> published blogmad! varb? �2015 CANDOR COMMUNICATIONS IF YOU WANT TO USE THE WORDS FOR ANY REASON TALK TO ME |
candora speaks wow, something like a revelation (or was it an epiphany?) slipped through me recently and I've been letting it bounce around my subconscious since it appeared... it was inspired by a simple question asked by my favorite gumphood (who deserves your reading time anytime you've got some, especially if you have time to read through the archives)... the question: "Are you Amy?"... the instant answer was "no" because Amy was a beautiful person, yes a real person (not just the fantasy I've made of her over the years), who was my first (and so far only completely unabashed, unhihibited, uncontrollable {being teenagers without much knowledge of the responsibilities of life must have helped} love)... and I thought I had answered... but I didn't... and the revelation (or epiphany) is simply this: I am amy... note the lower case a... it makes sense in my mind and I will try to put it into words now... I am not Amy, the flesh and blood person I knew once upon a time... but part of her lives in me and is enough a part of me to be named... as we merged in the real world when we were together, we became blended, so much each other that, if anyone asked a question about anything, we could answer for each other without hesitation or doubt... it was the purest bonding, the most unconditional trust, the most perfect sharing I'd ever known (or imagined)... and all through this life I've sought at least it's equal... not the same person... I do not compare her qualities with others I meet... I compare the bond, the sharing, the trust, the unification of hearts, mind, spirits, souls, animas, us... and sometimes I get the feeling (the fear) that grown-ups do not have the cabability (or do not want or care to) create and know such an unconditional bond... we did not lose ourselves in each other (as I've felt sometimes in the years without her), we found ourselves within each other... and part of her will always live and breath and be in me... so yes, I am amy... and she is Amy... and I write to both of us... I dedicate every deepest feeling I know, the lost and the found, to her (and so many others I've known (and a few fantasies I've not known) who've come close)... and the dream I dream the most is find her (or more realistically, someone who can actualize the same depth and intensity of unconditional love and trust and bring it all together) again...
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I love you all for coming... for reading all these words for every click feels like more love (I know that sounds absurd) if I could only tell you... one thing more tonight I'd say I wish you could come home with me and be my friends for life |