be random
what is now
when is then
where is email
who i am
how it is
why it is
leave a note?
share me, share you
make me smile
thank you

other journals
(of course I should be sleeping)
(what's life got to do with it?)

about me
(too much to know at once)
friend?
(tic tic tic, toc)

BE MY GUEST (BOOK)

<< MISSING �SOMETHING? >>
the bottom line
who can
when i had the time
the first of december (has another song)
what i do





RINGS 'n THINGS

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�2015 CANDOR COMMUNICATIONS
IF YOU WANT TO USE THE WORDS
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MONOLOG

every click you make

waking up this morning (listen to that, waking up in the morning, me... never know what might happen while taking a few days off from work) I find the number 30,000 down below... down below in this diary, that is, not like in 30,000 leagues under the sea or something... wait, that was 20,000, wasn't it... well, not like 30,000 Pounds of Bananas, right... but it's still a fun song... know it?...

and yous guys... yeah, yous guys... this has been a slow week for clicks what with losing the cheap thrills connection (apparently I did too well and have too many diaries for them), but you did it... one click at a time... and that means something to me... more than I can say... silly as it may seem, just that one click more gives me the feeling that somebody cares... every click...

I know it could just be a random click that means nothing to you... you might not even read past the first few lines, if you read at all... you might judge purely on visual design and miss the words completely... you might be looking for something else or just be so bored you are clicking whatever pops up on your screen and mostly just staring blindly into space... but still that little counter at the bottom of the screen records the fact that you were here and I can fantasize about it... wonderfully wonder-filled (even explicit) fantasies...

I can believe you maybe were someone I once knew who is afraid to reach out today because of some misunderstandings we had... or something you did... or I did... or just happened... I can dream that you are the one true soulmate for me and we just don't know that yet... I can see you with a daisy in your hair and sheer silk and lace flowing all around you, standing at the full length windows of your castle bedroom dreaming your prince (or princess) will come... I can imagine that you are feeling good about stopping by here, inspired by the words, warmed by the love... I can believe you have a pretzel in your ear and two pieces of popcorn in your nose and you just reached up to check...

I can hope you just laughed...

there are times when I am feeling doubt and I look at the diaries and sites listed on my favorites lists and links lists, sites made by people I wish I knew, people I wish would respect me and want to know me... and when I do not see myself on their favorites or links lists I feel some sort of inadequacy, like I am not good enough to be recommended as someone worth knowing by this person I respect and admire... maybe that is true... but I usually come out of the nagative perspective and believe that it is not personal rejection, not even rejection of my writing persona, but more just not connecting, not clicking with whatever it is that person is looking for... being too old or too young or too whiney or too aloof or too real or too much fantasy or something... and more often than not it is probably just not connecting because I have walls up in real life, because I am afraid of trust... because even after telephone conversations, maybe especially after telephone conversations, I leave them with the impression that I am too afraid or too depressed to actualize these dreams I write... these dreams that haunt me each night... is it madness to see such haunting as a blessing?...

or... maybe it is that they are too afraid of these dreams and too afraid that I can actualize them and might obsess over them if they connect with me... maybe they are just not interested in dreaming or love or exploring their hearts... maybe they are the depressed ones avoiding feeling and trust... maybe they are afraid and they feel inadequate and it isn't rejection of me at all... still, I wish I could know why some people do not want to list me as recommended, favorite, or somehow connected... I wish I knew how to build the inviting bridge...

I can make a lot out of those little numbers at the bottom of the screen... I can see rainbows and miracles and great blessings in every click you make...

candora

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NOTE: Due to excessive comment SPAM, comments have been turned off... ironically, this month is the renewal for supergold membership and the comments feature... bad timing... you know how much I love feedback, so maybe there's be comments again one of these days... until then, please leave a note... thanks J




I love you all for coming... for reading all these words
for every click feels like more love (I know that sounds absurd)
if I could only tell you... one thing more tonight
I'd say
I wish you could come home with me and be my friends for life


ALL WORDS (C) 2015 CANDOR COMMUNICATIONS