once upon a time...

and every breath I take... and every time I think I think I've gotten used to her depths, she takes it to another level and rattles my chains... I turn to other playmates to distract me and amuse me and all but dread seeing a new entry from her... dread with excitement... dread with anticipation... dread with hopeful tears and shivering fears.. my fears become afraid that she might take me over the mountain, beyond the raging seas, above the storm clouds pouring down on me, and into my own psyche for the catharsis of a lifetime... the catharsis I need if I am to survive and move on with this life as a living breathing creating life form, instead of the mostly dead carcass I toy with becoming... another few laps around the park... reach farther around the trail... explore the next curve, behind the next tree, something must be out there waiting for me... maybe I am coming out a little, but in the actual reality I am so far behind... sadly, I link you to the paths leading to and around and through me, and hope you find the incomplete trails clinging to hopes and wishes and dreams that seem so distant at times I wonder if I will ever believe in them coming true again... what if I said please...

time heals all wounds?

maybe, but a true friend and a new love heals so much faster... so much realer... so much truer... so much here and now... and alone, no matter how ready for the final catharsis and ultimate healing one may be, it can only be completely actualized when the sharing begins anew, when the capacity for unconditional trust in the heart is tested by doing it, by falling in love again (when you never thought you would, never thought you could, but can't help it... you know?)...

and maybe the story behind the song can be best explained by repeating it here... in brevity we trust, or at least, in the bits and pieces scraped up from the floor and dressed up for pubic consumption... what you make of it, and what you want to see behind it, is for you to tell me... and then, if we compare notes, we might learn something truly meaningful about each other... and that could be a very fine start...

I first died, at least ethereally, shortly after birth... it was nothing, really, just the stolen chance of a lifetime of pure bliss and innocent wonder... I recovered from my first death nicely as I learned in nursery school that family is who you choose in your heart (and who chooses you) and no matter how right people think they are or how long things have been the way they are, everything could be wrong and nobody really knows what they are doing in this life... a lot to grasp in nursery school, but I have always been a fast learner... I also learned what love meant, I mean one on one intimate share all secrets unconditional trust love, and decided I wanted to do that with the rest of my life... yes... it was at about four years old I decided that what I wanted to be when I grow up was completely in love...

I also learned that people do not want children to be in love... in fact, I think people are so afraid of feeling that they subconsciously (and sometimes consciously) undermine anyone (including themselves) who appears happy and in love (except in the movies, people love to see people in love in the movies)... anyway, I learned heartbreak early too... but it wasn't until high school that I first feel into the land of the mostly dead... it was the best of times that turned into the worst of times and I will never completely recover, for the purity of perfection can not be perfect twice in a life... I have loved since, but still, for all the loves I've known in this life, no other produced the feeling I think might have slipped out in this rhyme... and I am almost afraid to wonder if it will ever come again...

candora

love lub dub amy layla

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NOTE: Due to excessive comment SPAM, comments have been turned off... ironically, this month is the renewal for supergold membership and the comments feature... bad timing... you know how much I love feedback, so maybe there's be comments again one of these days... until then, please leave a note... thanks J