sensitivity is relative

for some reason I have John Lennon's Jealous Guy running through my mind... perhaps I have some subconscious reason or desire to apologize, but specifically I can come up with no good reason for the thought (after all, I have no one in this life close to me at the moment except for some offline friends, unless I should apologize to my roommate for mentioning him in another entry in another journal, but then, he's proud of what he does and laughs at the sensitivity I express more often than not, but I did anyway and he did laugh... it's always a pleasure to bring amusement to the people around me)...

now more seriously (if you care to each for it through the babble), if I have in any way offended or upset anyone with my words (or through anything I've done) recently (or ever), that was never my intention... my fundamental desire in this life is to share positive energy, to be some sort of meaningful inspiration to anyone (but especially to those I respect and reach out to)... I know I am too sensitive for this world and I hide my sensitivity behind attempts at humor based in careless confidence and irreverent disregard sometimes, but I hope that those who care will read deeper and see that when I am feeling most vulnerable, that is when I am most apt to (though not the only time I will, I mean, sometimes I just like to play) expressed myself in obscure metaphors, among other word-plays (like innocuous or redundently repetitive tangential parentheses that seem to come out of nowhere and drone on and one about this or that secretly saying so much more than the idle chatter might ever lead the unsuspecting reader to gather... but maybe some are not so fooled by the tone of voice as my dog used to be, huh?... ah, the delights of sarcasm used to distract from the serious point part of me hopes you do not notice) that might seem flippant or silly or weird... like when I want something (like someone's attention and respect) so much that admitting it openly is too scary, for even though I have healthy ways to deal with (and have dealt with) the abuse and betrayal and rejection that I've experienced in this life, there are no real callouses around my heart... any toughness is just window dressing (but maybe the window dressing can be tough in a wondow dressing sort of way)... anyway, according to the norms of society, the premise of being grown-up, and the judgment of every intimate friend I've ever known, I feel too much and every little rejection cuts through me much more than it should...

but I disagree... there was a time I tried to be closer to normal, I tried everything I could think of to dull my senses, to not feel and not be aware of the energy flowing around and through me... and that journey was nightmarish, self-destructive, and ultimately the stupidest things I ever tried to do... and while feeling as I do has set me apart and leaves me very isolated this human culture today, I know of no better way to be... for even as the slightest rejection hurts, one moment of the slightest positive energy feels wonderful and makes up for many moments of the worst negativity... I feel every sub-atomic particle of energy... even the slightest casual or careless whisper of rejection, even the unintentional rejection of thoughtless omission... even those who do not understand what I mean... and sometimes, even those who do not know I exist...

I think that is the main reason I have been alone in this life between the few long term relationships I've known... I just do not know how to reject someone's affections and yet, I do not want to expose this body too many times to the diseases that come from too frequent intimacy... I feel the potential hurt my not reciprocating physical attraction or any attention can bring... it's a wonder this awareness has not driven me insane, but then, I do live in the garden on the other side of the wall, after all (borrowing from Kahlil Gibran's The Madhouse, but referring to my own meanings)...

there is a poem by an author who's name I forget at the moment... I remember the name of the poem as When A Man Is Alone Too Long, but that mat not be the exact title... I've searched the net and have not come up with the poem, but I think it comes to mind here because, while I do not remember specifics, the essence remains deeply part of me and that essence of it reminds of a basic tenet that forms the foundations of whatever philosophy I call my own in this life... is as few words and as simply as I can say it... the more right I feel I am, the more wrong I could be...

my sensitivity could all be an egocentric illusion and the few who've come close enough to claim it is real and to appear to validate it might have been stroking insincerely for reasons of their own, conscious or not... but then, it is one of the few illusions that has stuck with me from the beginning through everything I've experienced... and I feel it... the euphoria of being praised, adored, respected, heck, even the simple pleasures of being added to a buddy list here at D-Land means so much more to me than you might think it should, you'd have to be sitting here with me to believe it...

so while I play with my ego and may sometimes (or usually?) appear as though I am enjoying an image of invulnerability on stage in my writings (or in life), there is a child feeling more than my mind can stand peering out from behind my public (and secret) smiles and giggles... and if you only know how much that child feels (at any moment the cosmic explosion could happen), you'd understand the confidence and irreverence is not a mask, but a genuine knowledge that I mean no harm and can survive anything and wish I could find a way to inspire peace, security, happiness, and euphoria in everyone... that is the essense of the energy I seek to generate and attract (and perhaps, in the end, I am apologizing to everyone, including myself, for not focusing and generating and attracting more of it more often)... and I hope someday we will all understand...

candora

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