the solitary journey

I suppose the constant barrage of rhyming lyrical emotional can get old after a while (if I wanted to explain why this diary is not updated daily and why it does not get daily visitors, it could be the chicken and the egg question, but whichever comes first, the daily updates or the daily readers, the sameness of the emotions can easily be placed as the cause)... z0tl would tease me about it way back when this emotional dream world began asking, in so many words, how many different ways can I say the same thing... and I still answer with a smile and my tongue in my cheek, I don't know, you tell me...

ultimately, the lack of change in my real life emotional experience leaves me singing the same old song over and over and the only changes are the details I cull from memories and the desires I create in my imagination... I imagine falling in love a lot, as you may hae noticed... and I have a wide (extreme) assortment of emotions pooled in memory from horrible pains to near perfect pleasures... it's been a full life, so far (and these days are some of the most uneventful {emotionally boring} times I've known) and I hope to have many more wonderful experiences, but this emotional diary is mostly a dream, or sleepwriting...

in my daily diary, behind the candoor, where I babble on about daily life in the physical world (which is why I call it my daily diary, ahem), I have explored, in recent weeks, some of the deeper realities behind the dream and emotions (some fantasies, some expressions of experiences) I release in rhymes here... and whether we call it confession, revelation, or simply bringing the obvious to consciousness, I must suspend the reality that is in spite of my expressed desires to share and longings for love, this solitary time is a choice... I do want to fall in love more than anything in the world, but only with the right person, for I have fallen in love enough times with the wrong person to prefer solitude to overdoing compromise...

hopefully this bit of behind the scenes news does not undo too much of the magical romantic dreamy mood I come to this place to create and share... I just wanted to touch base with myself and with you, dear readers, to let us know that the kid is alright, that the past is the past and can be turned into powerful literary emotions, but the realness of the pains is mostly gone... the final healing can only come when the new love begins in actual physical reality, but what the recent contact by the person who last shared the torture of failed love showed me is that I am over it, I do not want to linger in the past misery anymore...

what this will mean for the rhymes here (or the life I live) remains to be seen... I am changed and not as youthfully euphoric as I once was... I am more jaded, more weary and wary of trusting, even in my fantasies... I empower cynicism and negative possibilities (worst case scenarios) much more often than I did before the last trauma (and if loss of love is not trauma, it was not true love)... and yet, I do not want to quit... I do not want to give up... I do not want to believe I am roont, spoiled goods, no longer able to find and actualize the purity and innocence of true love in my heart... I do not want to believe that I am so deeply wounded that I can no longer trust unconditionally... so I won't believe it...

which is one of the primary reasons this diary was started in the first place, to keep my heart alive and expressing even while it was numb and sleeping... hopefully it has also been entertaining for you (and I do appreciate those of you who have told me is has been just that)...

while this in some way almost sounds like a conclusion of sorts, i do not foresee closing this diary anytime soon... not as long as my heart still beats, and dreams, and writes it's songs while my mind sleeps (after all, if I was awake I'd be crazy to want to love as I do and if you've done it then you know what I mean)...

to my dear readers I have never met outside of these (or other) words, I hope to meet you someday and share a hug... may your life be beautiful (and even if it's not) I hope you give it everything you've got... and tell me about it... your appreciation keeps my faith in love alive...

to readers who have known me in this life, keep in touch and let me know how you are and come visit sometime... and if one or more of the few who have share the extremes of romantic passions with me are out there reading, you are the deepest influences and inspirations for this diary... I would love to hear from you... and please don't be sad where you are...

one of these days I will find another soulmate, another best friend, another lover, another partner in life and love and everything and then this diary might conclude or at least go through some more obvious changes... until then, I thank you for putting up with my endless loop of feeling lonely, feeling hopeful, feeling desperate, feeling euphoric, and feeling the wonders of a romantic dreamer who lives to share intimacy and passion rambling on during this solitary phase of the journey through this life...

enough intellectualizing now, back to the rhymes of the heart...

candora

previous - - - - - - - - next - - - - - - - - comment? - - - - - - - -

NOTE: Due to excessive comment SPAM, comments have been turned off... ironically, this month is the renewal for supergold membership and the comments feature... bad timing... you know how much I love feedback, so maybe there's be comments again one of these days... until then, please leave a note... thanks J