be random
what is now
when is then
where is email
who i am
how it is
why it is
leave a note?
share me, share you
make me smile
thank you

other journals
(of course I should be sleeping)
(what's life got to do with it?)

about me
(too much to know at once)
friend?
(tic tic tic, toc)

BE MY GUEST (BOOK)

<< MISSING �SOMETHING? >>
the bottom line
who can
when i had the time
the first of december (has another song)
what i do





RINGS 'n THINGS

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MONOLOG

sovey

I just took two surveys created by her... definitely two of my favorite surveys (since I pass on most surveys and yes, I am looking for escapes from the boredom and blahs and crawling around in mud of my own making of this week, but these are still good surveys even if my opinion is relatively worthless at the moment)... can I give a compliment or what?...

definitely can give what... a lot of what

sometimes, when I feel completely surrounded by small minds that, in their fits of insecurity, seek to control my thinking (no less everything else), I wish I could just fly away to some deserted island (tropical, preferably) and make friends with a coconut or soccerball or something with more sense than those around me... but then, while watching movies about getting away from it all, I realize that what I want even more than to get away from all the small minds is to find one open mind to relate to (many would be even better, but finding at least one is why I remain in this world, even when I feel trapped in the boxes other people would like to keep me in)...

even deeper in the pits of my desires is the romantic fantasy of finding the one open mind who relates to me so symmetrically that everything can be shared (and we both want to... that's an important aspect of this fantasy)... I can not sigh deeply enough to express how tired I am of wanting this without getting it... but then, if you've been reading me lately you probably can sigh as deeply (and roll your eyes while you're at it) at just how long I can lament over not getting it... ah, the tortures of a one track mind...

meanwhile, on the many other tracks I've been neglecting... I missed the ABA class (that's applied behavioral analyst) for the second week in a row (that's three of the first four classes if you're keeping score) and my apathy about it certainly suggests I could use a behavioral plan so since that was the assignment for the third class I think I'll write one for myself to actually attend classes and get the credit for the course... of course that was the plan all along... right....

and then there's work, where I haven't been for the last three nights because I took the last three nights off (and I really don't want to go in tonight, but I kinda did say I would so I will) and boredom and lack of appreciation is starting to win out over the altruistic pleasure of helping others... the program manager tells me (when I called to tell her I wasn't coming in last night) that my annual evaluation is in my mailbox and she'd appreciate me coming in this week to look it over and sign it... last year the previous program manager (there have been three in the past year) had to re-write my evaluation three times before I signed it and it still was a mediocre evalation (that's evaluating the managers job of doing the evaluation... for me it turned out ok, 2.8 out of 3.0)...

but it demonstrated to me the lack of professionalism (and education) in the administration for the place so I'm not looking forward to reading this years eval from another first time manager who is not well suited for the job... it amazes me that people are hired as managers with no management training or credentials or experience whatsoever... alas, I have just about given up on progressing at that job anyway (I dread going to meetings and listening to the rhetoric and incompetence), so it's just a resting point until something else comes along... one of these days I might actually start looking again... it's cushy, but boring...

and then there are the doctor visits... I decided it was time to finally get a physical check up and unfortunately modern medicine has not improved so I am not satisfied with the seven seconds the doctors allow for discussion after the ten seconds they allow for examination... still, at least I can demand the tests I want and then demand print copies of the actual test results and learn a little something myself... so far we did the head and the chest... tomorrow I go get my lower abdomen checked... bend over and cough, won't that be fun...

and you thought all I did was lament about loneliness, huh?

if you only knew how optimistic and hopeful I can really be, you'd write me off for being a dreamer-dork instead of a cynical bitch... but then, that's just the cynical bitch talking... so how are you today? (I really do want to know... it'll keep me from getting even more narcissistic here in my monotonous ramblings and who knows, you might even be the open mind who can appreciate mine)... so?

candora

  open-book

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NOTE: Due to excessive comment SPAM, comments have been turned off... ironically, this month is the renewal for supergold membership and the comments feature... bad timing... you know how much I love feedback, so maybe there's be comments again one of these days... until then, please leave a note... thanks J




I love you all for coming... for reading all these words
for every click feels like more love (I know that sounds absurd)
if I could only tell you... one thing more tonight
I'd say
I wish you could come home with me and be my friends for life


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