meanwhile, between the sheets...

on-going reports of the sex life of racoons is not what this diary is about, but there was a time when candora (that would be me, the author known as candora here in this diary... yes, I am more than a persona, but don't let that spoil the fantasy for you) was much more intimate much more often and sexuality was an openly (and comfortably) discussed subject (and shared activity) in the shared physical world... that was before the disease monsters came out of hiding and once again made righteous paranoia an acceptible method for the fear driven among us to reject and even condemn even the slightest physical intimacy without necessarily requiring the usual historically used religious reasons...

somewhere in storage (another rather amazing story) there is a chronical of those times when love was free and sex was almost as free and us kids enjoyed each others bodies as much as we could... this would probably be a popular series of entries (or adult television) if I ever reconnected with the stuff in storage and unpacked and found and edited the rambles of years gone by... one of the days... or more musically, one of these nights (crazy, yeah)...

the fact is, I got to thinking about how I write, how I love writing, and how I create worlds of words and those worlds give birth to a feeling, an overall character who, once named, can have a sort of literary life all his/her own... this thought emerged from a wonderfully insightful email (that makes me want to share my email conversations all the more, but I know, I will respect privacy... suddenly, a light bulb flashes like a bright neon light demanding I follow through on yet another idea and that just may be the next diary, but before the digression loses us, out dang parentheses)... do I hide or do I play as I pass life's time passing words through my fingers?...

since my telephone numbers and addresses are online (and not unlisted via other means of directory searches) and further, the fact that I welcome friendly people to call or actually visit in the physical world and collect one of the surplus hugs I've accumulated in these, my lonelier days, it might be odd to suggest that I hide... if I owned or worked at a public establishment, I'd invite you all there even more actively and often as it might be more comfortable for many to come over to say a bar or restaurant or recreational establishment, but as I work at a psychiatric hospital, such invitations might be insulting to those who do not have a flexible sense of humor about themselves and their potential for sanity (or insanity, which can be much more interesting)... besides, the HIPAA privacy protection laws and non-disclosure aggreements I signed make such invitations rather unethical, no less potentially illegal... the bottom line in the world of real where eye contact and physical touches happen is I can be an extremely extroverted person, comfortable singing, dancing, performing, or just being myself with virtually anyone or even in a group... or on stage, no less... and on the other hand, there is a shyness about me at times that is excrutiatingly obnoxious to the extroverted portions of this person I actually consider to be me, for real...

and meanwhile, behind the curtain...

insight is often oddly suggestive as it reveals layers beneath the surface that may be more real than illusions or may be illusions that want to be more real... I do play with words every day, but the bottom line (there are lots of bottom lines behind the curtains, and between the sheets too) is the source of and reason for my word play is a desire to define myself and the world around me, to amuse the same, and to pass the time I spend alone so boredom (and all it's cronies) does not take over... while playful asides, irreverence, fictions, fantasies, and even the odd charactere/persona will grow out of my literary rambles, the idea of putting on any sort of mask to fool myself or you is abhorent to me... and the idea of keeping you away from knowing (or visiting) me, has only one root in my written gardens... that is to let the small minded judgmental control freakie kind of people (those who let fear rule their lives) know that they probably will not be comfortable with my wide-open imagination and rather different ways... I mean, while anyone who means no harm is welcome at my door, people selling their way of thinking as the only right way to think at all costs bore me way too easily...

that is why the occasional curse word (fuck shit damn god force udder suckers), erection, or nipple may pop up here, not to mention other views from an open mind (and there is another title that relates to many words in storage that I think may be worth sharing, but that's another tangent)... it's not to poke fun at the concept (and surely not at anyone with Tourette's Syndrome), it is becausee I find humor in the strangest places, and words... especially when the odd comma, hyphen, or other punctuation gives more specific meaning to the words (I'll let you play with this one and you can decide if it relates to any previously mentioned concept haphazardly mentioned earlier, or even loosely related to the last line of the previous paragraph)...

my mind would be just as terrible a thing to waste as anybody else's mind, after all... so this is what I do with it when nobody is around to share conversation, eye contact, or any sort of physical touches and non-verbal communications... and all the other activities that go on in my mind when nobody's noticing... if you want to know what part of the words are just passing fancies or random ideas and what part actually express who I am, you just need to ask...the more serious, meaningful, and detailed the question is to me, the more likewise will be my response... and vice versa...

meanwhile, between the sheets, what's up with you?...

candora

. o O ( pssst... I wonder if this was better before I inserted paragraph breaks ) O o .

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NOTE: Due to excessive comment SPAM, comments have been turned off... ironically, this month is the renewal for supergold membership and the comments feature... bad timing... you know how much I love feedback, so maybe there's be comments again one of these days... until then, please leave a note... thanks J