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be random what is now when is then where is email who i am how it is why it is leave a note? share me, share you make me smile thank you other journals (of course I should be sleeping) (what's life got to do with it?) about me (too much to know at once) friend? (tic tic tic, toc) BE MY GUEST (BOOK) << MISSING �SOMETHING? >> the bottom line who can when i had the time the first of december (has another song) what i do < ? me # > < ? harrychapin # > < ? Random Acts of Journaling # > < ? Poetic Voices # > < ? The Write Club # > < ? Nights Awake # > < ? Fluid # > < ? Adopted # > < ? Childlike # > < ? Poets-Muse # > < ? Five Hundred # > < ? As You Wish # > temporary place holder ()))CRAYON-BOX)))> published blogmad! varb? �2015 CANDOR COMMUNICATIONS IF YOU WANT TO USE THE WORDS FOR ANY REASON TALK TO ME |
pathos ok, so I am pathetic (at least today I admit it)... I am out here begging for attention in so many ways I've lost track of how to convince myself that I'm cool and really just casually rambling on because I love to write... I do love to write, that is as true as truth gets... it is my primary solitary addiction (followed closely by music, and the serious withdrawals I've been suffering for so long that I have lost track of the track from which I derailed must be showing more than I can stand seeing, or else it is a black hole that repels musical people, but that's another lament only at the root of this current pathos), and I will write something somewhere, anywhere, every day... even if nobody ever knows... but the current state of affairs in this life is such that I am feeling dominated by not wanting to be alone... so I want more than my solitary addictions, I want to indulge the addictions that require another person... there are times when I do want to be alone, but I have way more of those times than I need to satisfy that desire these days and not nearly enough not-alone time to satisfy my not wanting to be alone time... that's somewhat different than loneliness or feeling lonely, but if you're confused or unclear you'll just have to deal with the fact that I'm not in the mood to explain it at this moment... judge me as you will (you will, anyway... that's what we do)... I live with someone who is always around (an unemployed TV-addict), so I am seldom alone... I have a couple of friends who are available for almost any weekend, though they tend to have much earlier bedtimes than I do... age means nothing, as the roommate is a 20-something and the other friends are 30 and 40-somethings and I still have way more energy and interests and want to share way more than any of them... great people, just closer to a retired lifestyle than I want to be... it is not simply being alone or a simple loneliness that has me whining... what it is that seeps into too many entries here (and everywhere) is a dissatisfaction with the current sharing I am afforded in this life... too many interests, desires, hungers, rooms in my heart and mind and soul are neglected, dust-laden spaces aching for inspection and activity... you know the memory warehouse in Dreamcatcher? (having seen that last night, it is the perfect metaphor for this moment)... so many shelves full of stuff and empty spaces waiting to be shared and filled... wanting to share more, in more detail, more creatively, the wanting is the ache, not loneliness, there is a difference... it's still the same old story... the neglected more boredom where it belongs previous - - - - - - - - next - - - - - - - - comment? - - - - - - - -
I love you all for coming... for reading all these words for every click feels like more love (I know that sounds absurd) if I could only tell you... one thing more tonight I'd say I wish you could come home with me and be my friends for life |