maybe I write too much

that is what I've always been told... I share too much... say too much... want too much... give too much... think too much... feel too much... maybe it's my addictive personality... maybe it's because I want to actualize being part of everything because I am aware of being part of everything...

maybe it's just labels, or reading them, or not

the fact remains that until I died, or actually went mostly dead, I had more energy than anyone I know... that is why I write in my sleep, because I seldom actually sleep and it gives my hands something to do when I am making the attempt... to sleep, that is... and I am hoping it might be more appealing than the rambling I do when I am awake... of course I am not really asleep, it's a metaphor, or a simile, or some such literary construction meant to convey the diminished energy level at which I live today... just like the writer who claims to be mostly dead chose that name to try to keep a sense of humor about being so down that being mostly dead looks like up... anyway, most people don't seem to be getting the point...

I am here to share creativity... to think and feel... and to write about how I feel about what I think... and to write about what I think about how I feel... about what I think... about how I feel... about...

I think everyone should

and I want to know how you feel about what I think... and what you think about how I feel... and how you feel about what you think... and what you think and how you feel about whatever you think and feel about... and a whole lot more...

I'm not here to find a lover or soulmate, though I want one in this daily life and do not have one nearby today... I am not here to impress anyone or save the world, well, maybe save the world, but I need a lot of cooperation from the world to get that done... I would like to... I figured I should make that clear just in case the world would actually want to go for it... I am not here to win prizes or be popular, but then again, I do want attention and wish millions would find me irresistable because I love attention and want to be loved and adored and respected, but of course I want to be loved and adored and respected for being irreverent and not caring what anybody thinks about me too... I am not here to created classic literature or write anything profound... ummmmm, actually, I would like to write something profound, something much more profound than this...

you can't always get what you want

so anyway, maybe these entries would work better as separate entries with the single lines between them as the title of the entry so the irony might be humorous and more entertaining... but of course I am not here to entertain, I am here to share myself and pass the time between working myself to death because I have no lover or soulmate to share the time between working myself to death... today... but entertaining would be very acceptable, even desireable, as long as it doesn't appear that I might be trying to be entertaining, cuz I'm not... really...

I'd like to teach the world to laugh

in perfect harmony, even... it would be so much more fun to wake up to wander through the rest of this life with a partner and when all is said and done, I just want to have fun... I figure fun covers everything... after all, everything is more fun when having fun... I mean, imagine the whole world having fun... it'd be much less likely there'd be a fight or a war and everything is easier to do and learn and share cuz fun is a lot more comfortable than most anything else... that's why I make being alone fun, the time passes faster... or at least it seems to...

no, I don't want any more caffiene

actually, I don't want any more poisons at all and I am working on changing my diet and lifestyle and most of all, my mindset... see, it's the thought process and perspective that makes our choices... logic says a healthy lifestyle is wise, ethical, and enlightened... I mean, the momentary indulgeance of stimulating taste buds and feeling the head and body rush that comes from consuming fats and sugars and stimulants is often just another addiction to something oppositional to life...

morality does not make them better than cigarettes or alcohol or promiscuity... legality does not make them better than speed or pot or acid... there, that's profound... but I probably won't get it as long as I wake up wanting another few handfuls of non-pareils or a box of heavily iced creme-filled donuts or fdge covered chocolate chip cookies used as chips for an icing dip or, for that matter, pepperoni pizza with much extra cheese or cheeseburger with extra greasy fried onions or anything deep fried, for that matter... did I mention ice cream?...

what I really need to do is exercise

yes, even a poor diet can often be overcome, at least for a few decades and sometimes a longer span of time, through serious and regular exercise... and there is where I am slacking more than anywhere else... I gave up, though nothing is carved in stone until I die, all drugs except caffiene and the assortment of drugs contained in chocolate and other nuts and beans and herbs and spices... but think about it, if they took coffee or cocoa beans and ground them up and processed them like they prepare cocaine and you sucked it up your nose or shot it in your body some other way, don't you think effect would be similar to the processed coca plant that grows in the same climate in the same fields?...

why can't science just catch up with what religion already knows?

but seriously, it is all a state of mind... the chemicals one might consume to get high can be produced by or own bodies... ever experience runner's high?... I have... it's better than anything and I've tried just about everything... and science does know this, but humans, you and me, don't find the right mindset to create the euphoria chemical... in fact, we find mindsets that create chemicals in our bodies that depress, confuse, and make us feel really bad... foolish, when it is ultimate our choice... but then if we don't know it's our choice or we convince ourselves we don't know how just because we forgot what being born was like, we don't know for all practical purposes... and in the end, it is all in the mind...

a spoonful of sugar is medicine

whether it's caffiene, alcohol, tobacco, any number of illegal drugs, or even chocolate, the playful way the chemicals interact with our cells, convincing our cells to producing more or less seratonin, domapmine, or some other molecule that fools some nerve endings into believing we are at peace, happy, less inhibited, more secure, intelligent, lucid, or in some way enhanced more than we actually are... hence, DWI is illegal... do not operate heavy machinery, etc...

but in some cases, because we believe it, it becomes true... the peace, awareness, and euphoria that comes through meditation and exercise can be just as true as any pharmecologically induced cure... that is how it works for me, in spite of those who'd have changed me if they could... prove me imperfect, provocable, irritable, and surely confused from time to time... anytime, given the right circmstances... sometimes I enjoy it, coming from a friend... but when the dust settles I find myself and nothing changes inside... maybe I just have the right genes...

of course it could all be an egocentric fantasy that has grown into a life opus (which chapter is this?) because no one has been able to distract me from it... but when you are for years old and find the logic of adults faulty even when they take serious steps to convince you to think the way they think and you overcome those steps, the perspective that adults are confused is probably going to stick with you for life no matter how confused you yourself become as an adult...

if you're lucky, that is...

candora

drug lords wired do-it-yourself high

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NOTE: Due to excessive comment SPAM, comments have been turned off... ironically, this month is the renewal for supergold membership and the comments feature... bad timing... you know how much I love feedback, so maybe there's be comments again one of these days... until then, please leave a note... thanks J