sometimes a fantasy

yes, for you dear readers paying attention, that last entry was inspired by computer problems (and a touch of life in the world offline)... this new old laptop has been frustrating me for the first time today and I think I know where it began (an AVX script virus or program error that seemed to play havoc with the video driver or codex or something like that (boy don't I sound like a well informed computer geek... well, maybe to another uninformed computer geek, aye?)... I had so much crap in the temp folder and temporary internet files folders that who knows what was doing what, so I just emptied it all and did a few other things (after running all the security and maintenance programs I had) and things appear a bit better now... of course it could just be the video driver or screen itself going down, but we won't think about a new laptop just yet (we hope)...

I am not sure when the last time we just chatted here on planet candora... I've been mostly writing daily in the daily life diary (remembering the daily better than I used to I supposed, huh?)... just coming here when I feel a rhyme coming on and that hasn't been daily for a while... inspiration isn't always around, nor is time... it used to be I'd fall in love with air, with clouds, with trees, with imaginary worlds I'd see while staring at a stucco ceiling, with just about anything anytime... living in love, falling was as easy as breathing, and as often... but life has not reflected my imagination and others have not shared the simple wonder I find in my heart... fear squashes the love I see flickering behind most eyes... and over time, fear has taken it's toll on even me and candora...

I still have not cut my hair, but that was just a metaphor (referencing an old song)... unfortunately, and though it took more profound trauma than I'd have believed would actually happen outside of a Stephen King or V.C. Andrews novel, I did finally give into fear (with apologies to Mr. Crosby and company)... and kudos to Mr. Rice and Mr. Lloyd-Webber, I did try for more than three years, after all... many more, in fact (and the waning musical references continue to struggle their way through buried memories)...

that is the reason for this diary... to keep the heart beating... to keep the hope breathing... to keep the light burning even if it is buried under a mountain at the end of such a long tunnel that it can not be seen and must be taken on blind faith... even if it is only in fantasy (with respect to Mr. Joel, sometimes a fantasy is all we need)...

and your support and love here in this creative world is all the more meaningful when you understand where I have been and where I am coming from (passive voice and all)... so I shall thank you often (even when it gets silent around here... maybe especially when it gets silent around here because that is when you may need my inspiration the most)...

candora

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NOTE: Due to excessive comment SPAM, comments have been turned off... ironically, this month is the renewal for supergold membership and the comments feature... bad timing... you know how much I love feedback, so maybe there's be comments again one of these days... until then, please leave a note... thanks J