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be random what is now when is then where is email who i am how it is why it is leave a note? share me, share you make me smile thank you other journals (of course I should be sleeping) (what's life got to do with it?) about me (too much to know at once) friend? (tic tic tic, toc) BE MY GUEST (BOOK) << MISSING �SOMETHING? >> the bottom line who can when i had the time the first of december (has another song) what i do < ? me # > < ? harrychapin # > < ? Random Acts of Journaling # > < ? Poetic Voices # > < ? The Write Club # > < ? Nights Awake # > < ? Fluid # > < ? Adopted # > < ? Childlike # > < ? Poets-Muse # > < ? Five Hundred # > < ? As You Wish # > temporary place holder ()))CRAYON-BOX)))> published blogmad! varb? �2015 CANDOR COMMUNICATIONS IF YOU WANT TO USE THE WORDS FOR ANY REASON TALK TO ME |
trust this is no revelation and probably not even much of a confession, but it may be something I don't actually write often so I think I should pay attention... I use the computer and internet and journals to avoid face to face intimacy... the why is mostly likely tied into the painful memories of the last time I trusted someone intimately... while I am very certain that I am far from the only one doing this, I am also fairly certain that I am the only one doing this who is me... and being me, I have the unique perspective and experience of being me... this would mean something to you if you were me, or if you were ever really intimate enough with me to know me... or maybe, even if you just want to enough... there is a strong desire starting to rise in me that goes something like this... someone comes over and sits and while and types their own stuff or does their own thing and after some respectful comfort time, takes me by the hand (and doesn't mind too much as I try to continue typing with one hand) and somehow convinces me (without any selfishness or subtrifuge like blocking my view of the screen or kissing type stuff) to put the laptop off of my lap and gently take it's place as the focus of my attention and maybe by tenderly putting a finger to my chin or mouth, guide my eyes to look into her (is it gender stereotyping to assume someone so sensitive and altruistic might be a female?... probably, but then, I'd rather a mommy than a daddy and this seems like at least a big sister project) eyes and then... talk to me and find something to say that holds my attention... like what is really important to you (or something meaningful about what you read that I wrote and all that is meaningful about you that you've kept secret all your life)... and ultimately, convince me it is ok to trust you with the story of a life complete with all the blood and guts and tears and laughter at the end (which would be the current moment that would hopefully continue for a while longer)... trust... this is an issue for me that I do not like accepting as an issue for me because I trust unconditionally way to easily and I believe that is the right thing to do and I do not want to change and yet, it has hurt me majorly more than once... I do not want to hear that I should put conditions on trust... I do not want to hear that I should change... I want to find someone who understands and believes that unconditional trust is the right way to share... the only way to share, really... but I do not want to be used or abused or taken advantage of or betrayed anymore... no wonder I am alone, huh? �� mostly dead previous - - - - - - - - next - - - - - - - - comment? - - - - - - - -
I love you all for coming... for reading all these words for every click feels like more love (I know that sounds absurd) if I could only tell you... one thing more tonight I'd say I wish you could come home with me and be my friends for life |